depressing and sadistic

My dad and I have been fighting all morning. Well it's more or less him talking down to me as a parent and making me feel depressed and not wanting to be around here anymore. If I could, I'd go stay with a friend, but I can't do that. Anyone who'd let me stay has pets.. and we all now my stupid alleric-ness. v.v He insists on yelling at me about the way Eddie dresses.. I don't fucking care. Why can't he see that? I don't care. It doesn't bother me that he wears black and chains.. it doesn't bother me he paints his nails or has long nails at that. I like him the way he is. Dad just wants everyone to be like him. I hate church and I don't want to go. I don't want to have anything to do with it if I could help it.. but I can't.

My mom is still being terrable as usual.. but she hasn't called me since I have been here. Not once, and that's fine by me. If she called it'd just lead to another fight, like it always does.

Also.. I quit guard. I can't handle my home life and guard was just another stresser. I didn't feel wanted there.. and it seemed like the more I was there, I just brought the guard down. Gelly always snapped at me and no one seemed to understand that I wasn't going to put up with her. Shallon was nice about everything while Gelly was just a bitch. I told her that too. She was extreamly mean... like Mary Jo. Whitney always had a rude comment for me too.. and I couldn't handle it either. I just gave up. I'm not on this earth to change people or to take crap from people my age. It's not in me. I loved guard, and I still do. I don't think Dana would let me come back if I wanted to.. and I'm just going to have to deal with that. I felt that no one really wanted me there anyways.. and since when I was there all I thought about was what was going on at home.. and in my head. I have been back and forth with this thousands of times, and I just deside enough. I called Dana and told her. I felt really bad and I still do. I let them down.. but I know I couldn't go threw the season. Yeah.. I was a senior.. yeah.. I could have been captain.. but I wasn't. Yeah it bothered me, but I got over it. and I knew I'd never get to go out for awards and that hurt a lot. I wanted to so badly.. but I couldn't. Captains do that. Not the rest of the guard.. now I wont get a pin for being in guard, I wont get to go to the band banquit or Saturday comps.. I wont get a trophy like all the senoirs do.. I wont have anything to show for my senoir year exept how unhappy I am when I'm at home and how unhappy I am since I made this desision. I can't go back now... what's done is done and there's nothing I can do about it.